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I Have a Confession to Make, I Lost My Way

Updated: Jan 26

The start of the year I spend a full day sometimes more reflecting, looking back on the year previous. I pay attention to what I have learned, what felt good, what didn’t feel good. I make vision boards, I journal I get clear on what I wish to achieve, long term, short term and daily.

2020 was different. I did all of the above but I was on a different journey than my usual large scale goals. This year I felt called to, feel more. My goal wasn’t so tangible. It wasn’t getting a new car, writing a book or doing certain things within my business. It was about really truly believing in faith. It was about connecting more with my intuition. It was about fully putting my life in the hands of trust and divine guidance.

I decided this was the year of fully committing to my spiritual practice and allowing life to unfold. I had, had a few years of really working my socks off in my business, building our new home, building our wellbeing centre, shifting my daughters school, writing a book, grief, loss, huge joy, big decisions, traveling with work. Yet through all this work I was still generating less than minimum wage.

I decided 2020 I would stop trying so hard to make things work and instead allow them to unfold. I released control of outcomes and focussed on belief that everything was working out for my highest good.

I committed to daily mantra, my yoga, eating well, building physical strength. I prayed, I journaled. I set my intentions. My key focus was me. To take ownership of my life but through my physical, spiritual and financial health. To simplify life, be in nature more, start my days early. To set daily intentions. To listen to my intuition more. To create a new way of living deeper than I ever had.

And I did. I started with my daily practices, I created an alter, I prayed connected and trust built. It feels incredible when we are truly in flow and aligned with what is right for us. The more I trusted and surrendered the more opportunities arose. A large goal my husband and I had set began to get closer without us doing anything. I got the opportunity to head to America and do a book signing with some of the people who inspired me to write and helped me on my own healing path, I spoke and taught meditation to over 600 people at an event in England. My finances increased and for the first year since starting my business I was headed for earning more than minimum wage. The path was so clear. Life felt balanced. Life was exciting. 

Then Corona virus hit the world. My signing in America was cancelled, the big goal my husband and I had ground to a halt, I had an emergency trip to hospital before corona hit and my follow up to find out what was happening had been cancelled, my own large scale event was cancelled. Our wellbeing centre closed, my husbands work ground to a halt and we were left scrambling for solutions. We moved from flow to fear.

This is where the wheels fell off. I started working from 5.30am to into the night to try rectify things, I studied so hard learning tech and how to create my membership site. My brain was constantly in overdrive trying to find a way, find a solution. Part of me enjoyed this hustle, I found part of it exciting. But the rest was uncomfortable and exhausting. I stopped my daily chanting. My meditation became a means to an end, a daily routine because that’s what I do. But I missing the point. This wasn’t something to rush through so I could start work. This is where the answers lay but I was too stuck in fear to recognise it. As I worked the long hours I ate, I didn’t move my body as frequently as I had been. I missed my yoga practice, I missed my boxing and although I could have continued on my own. I often didn’t. The weight started to build on my body, the poor food clouded my thinking and sleep pattern began to fall apart.

I blamed my weight, I decided to embark on controlling my diet, running, measuring my body, weighing myself. I decided my sadness was due to my body failing. The hospital trip pre lockdown still unsolved. I was back to blaming this beautiful vessel that carries me through life. As soon as I could train again I started boxing twice a week, running, trying protein shakes, counting calories. I became pretty obsessed. Some days I would be so happy then other the scales would move me into feeling less than.

One day I was feeling so lousy I sat on my yoga mat. I listened to Sarah Blondin and I meditated. I recognised that I had lost my sacred connection. I had lost my connection to what makes me, me. I cried. Tears streamed, I howled crying. I connected back to my heart that day. I recognised that I wasn’t focussing on happiness, joy and flow. I was focussing on all the negative aspects of life. I was moving through life routinely but not creating divine rituals that support me.

You would think that was it, my happy ever after. The breakthrough. But no. It was short lived. It got me thinking but I still got dragged back.

I started another meditation course for my own self practice, I was looking for support. I didn’t find it. It didn’t feel right and I stopped it. I was sad. But ultimately it was more than this.

As I drove to my boxing one day, I had forgot to wear my fit bit, I felt anxious, annoyed that I wasn’t logging my exercise. I told my husband when I came home. He said it had gone to far. All I was speaking about was how unhappy I was with my body, how sad I was that my weight was growing despite me doing all the things. Even typing this I am full of shame and embarrassment. This was the point it stopped.

I decided that I was behaving in such a space of self lothing, not loving. It goes against all I believe; all I stand for. It had felt uncomfortable. I felt disloyal. When we are not in alignment with our beliefs this is when life feels wrong. I grabbed my core values sheet. I connected back with what makes me feel happy, joyous and connected.

I booked a mantra class. As I finished the class you guessed it. I cried, I felt so connected back to me. My love for myself, my life, my body. My practice became more sacred again.

I took the pressure off myself. I took days off work to be with my daughter. I finished work everyday at a reasonable time to have time with my family. Time to be in nature, with my horses, to pray, to meditate, to move and support my body.

Guess what. Life began to flow. I made my spiritual health my priority again. When I allowed myself to be in that space of trust and faith my life began to move more harmoniously. My work life balance was exactly how I wanted it. I felt alive, financial abundance began to flow, my husbands and I’s big goal started to get closer again. I felt such joy and gratitude. I met new people, made new friendships, created new opportunities with work that I couldn’t have imagined. I have started working with the most incredible new life and business coach, who totally gets me.

In the last 10 days I started a Gut Cleanse to repair some of the damage I had subjected my body to, I started a Sacred Cacao Journey. My sacred cacao journey involves me every day morning and night sitting in that place of stillness and appreciation. Connecting with nature, connecting with plant medicine, connecting with my heart. I feel supported again. I feel I trust life again. Again I cry but this time with sheer joy that I know that when we surrender to life, when we have faith in universe, god, spirit and intuition (whatever you belief system is) it flows. When we take aligned action, when we tap into what feels good and right life flows. When we connect to our hearts and love life flows.

So today I ask you where can you surrender more, where can you release the outcome and surrender to the journey. Find what inspires you, find that place where you truly love you. Because you are magnificent.

I love you all so much. If you have read this far, I appreciate you. I hope you find something that inspires you. That allows you to recognise you do not need to struggle to push through. You are perfect as you are.

With Love

Susi xxx

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