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  • Susi McWilliam

Processing Grief: Personal Blog



I wouldn't normally share blogs like this here. I went to upload this to my old personal blog from 2014 but couldn't access it. Sharing it here.

Processing Grief: Healing Mantra Deck

I draw my card and it comes up again. “Processing grief: My losses Prove How Deeply I loved”

As I celebrated mothers day and my 42 birthday last week I did feel grief, but not that crippling, all consuming dark cloud of grief. More a pang, and gentle sadness wash over me. I haven’t written like this for a while and as I do tears begin to stream.

As I draw this card again for the umpteenth time. I am urged to reflect and what’s left unprocessed. Yesterday I came to the realisation that my body was probably never likely to conceive naturally, and the odds were against me. To be fair, the odds were always against me, not due to age, but haven been told numerous times that we couldn’t conceive naturally. Then with current pelvic issues it’s really a big lofty miracle and dream to keep carrying.

I guess I hung on to that hope that another miracle would occur. This week I relented and called the doctor after a period of pelvic pain. All these niggles and painful back, hips etc little reminders of my aging. I look in the mirror and see a grey eyebrow, yet this doesn’t sadden me. It actually was a moment of acceptance. A moment of accepting my wisdom, experience and knowledge. That I have actually never felt happier, more fulfilled and successful on all levels.

This is the thing with grief I guess. It may always be there but just meandering about, not jumping and staring you in the face.

I am reminded this week of the love my mum and I shared. It really was like no other. And the thing is I have a space in my heart to share that love with another child. I have faith that it will happen whether through adoption or fostering. I wrote in my journal last weekend and I really felt that space for that child. So I pray, and I trust and I continue to live a life I love and am aligned with.

So yes maybe there is learnings to be felt and processed. The cards longer definition states

“As you process grief, you were able to celebrate how deeply you committed to love instead of holding a grudge toward those who laughed or couldn't love you back. Once grief is fully processed it can ignite a deeper commitment to love; you know that your alignment with source is not a matter of what comes or goes it is determined by how much of yourself you're willing to share”

I take comfort from that and know that the pain that loss brings, is worth every second for the love you have experienced and shared.

With Love Susi xxxx

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