Updated: Jan 26
When The Healing Gets Too Much, Grab Some Tootie Fruities and Remember Who You Are
As a self confessed self development and spiritual junkie one thing I have learnt the hard way is sometimes, you can be doing too much self development. Sounds confusing right. Are you thinking but Susi, surely improving myself is a good thing?
Yes it is great to look at old patterns that aren't serving you, mindset blocks that are holding you back, working through traumas big and small, maybe revisiting subjects and issues that you’d buried. Inner child work, looking back at your childhood and how this has shaped who you are. The list goes on and you can dig deeper and deeper and deeper. But what I would say is that there can be a dark side to this.
Yes looking at the hard things is important, this is often called shadow work. Looking at the sides of you, you want to hide, the parts of you where you maybe feel shame, guilt and less than. The parts you don't want others to see or know about. But with this work comes big emotions. You need to have the support in place as you work through these parts of you. To support you in coming back to the light from the darkness.
This past year I have done a lot of work around an attempted sexual assault that I experinced as a teen. I tried to process this on my own, but did also seek therapeutic support in the end to help .
I have been processing my decision to stop our adoption process, to journey to the next stage of my life through perimenopause.
The past few months I have doing some really big work around money mindset. I had no idea how emotionally charged this process would be.
As you can see the subject matters have been far from light and love. Yet I kept going.
Last week I had to go to the doctor due to my ear being painful, my balance going and feeling nauseous. I am still experiencing this and finding it quite a challenge to surrender to the 2 -10 week prognosis of recovery. I really do not enjoy being ill.
You know me, searching for a natural solution to this blockage and fluid in my ear. I’d been using my essential oils for weeks, I tried steaming my ears, my sinuses, trigger point release, massage but nothing was shifting it. I reviewed the metaphysical meaning behind it yet I couldn’t fathom it out.
I decided to have a youtube search and found a video on tapping for the exact condition I had. As I worked through this video certain things arose for me. The lady teaching it had a free mediation you could use to find out the cause of your pain (Sharon Smith, A Pain Plan, you can find her here). I did this meditation and it was an eye opener.
It took me back to being 18 years old, I had some really nasty things said about me and my attitude to money. These words rung through my ears. “What a stupid girl” , then a man being really patronising and condescending to me. I had a conversation with my ear during this mediation and asked it what it needed. It was fun, and joy. I wrote some notes in my journal.
This money mindset journey was pulling up all sorts of things from my past. Shame, irresponsibility, heartache and more. So much judgement of myself. I was on a BBC show in my early twentys shown worldwide about how crazy my spending was. So to say a lot was coming up was an understatement.
This morning I woke up, did some reiki, some forgiveness work then, I sat at my alter and started a heart opening meditation. This mediation was connecting with my heart (I’ll pop a link here) . Again I checked in with what I needed. Fun, Creativity and Joy appeared again.
At this point I was reminded how when I was younger I loved to take my pocket money and go to the shops. I would buy tootie fruities and a magazine. You remember those magazines where you would collect things, where the first one was 99p then the rest were a fortune ha ha. So I decided I would get my husband to drive me to the shops and I’d treat little Susi to exactly what she needed.
So I’ve decided to take a break from the deep dark work, come up for some light. I’m watching a children's movie, magazine and puzzle book beside me, just had some boiled eggs and soldiers, fruitellas (I couldn't find tootie fruities) and getting my creative on, writing this blog.
My inner child is happy, fulfilled and pleased. The ear pain and balance issues are still there, but I’m less focussed on those and more on having fun.
Remember; yes healing is challenging, beautiful and sometimes exhausting. We have a lifetime to enjoy. So maybe it's time to stop digging so deep for a moment. Allow yourself some light, some playfulness and joy. Grab those sweeties, a moment to remember who you are, the fun stuff. Reset, rest and process. Because healing is a life's work and you are always in control of how deep you wish to go.
Thanks for reading this, so delighted to be back writing.
p.s if this resonates in anyway feel free to drop me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org